A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
