Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
