Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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