you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
