Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
