I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
