Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
