wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
