Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
