So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
