just survived the first fart of the relationship.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
