Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
