I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
