Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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