i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
