How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
