I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
