Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
