I haven't been this sober since birth.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
it's like heaven, but drunker
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
