I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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