So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize