New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
