Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
