last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
