I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
