Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
it's great music for shaving your balls
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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