Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
