totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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