My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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