My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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