i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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