at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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