You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
