I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The struggles of a small town man whore
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
