Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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