Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
