im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
