Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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