My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
