cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
