dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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