mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
