Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
