Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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