mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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