shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
