i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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