I wish I could teleport
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
