How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
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we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
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My thoughts exactly.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
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he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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