I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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