Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
