Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I am available for nakedness
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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