i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
